As any person who knows me, both in real life and online, besides my transphobic mormon extended family would know, I go by they/them and I am nonbinary. Does this stop people from forgetting this and referring to me as a girl atleast once every other day? Of course not. But regardless of what other people think of me this is a solid fact. Of course though, this wasn't always the case. I was a girl for about 10 years until I had a transmasc gender crisis in 8th grade, had a resurgence of femininity in 9th grade once I realized I wasn't a boy, then decided I still didn't like being a girl either in 10th, so now we're here.
But truth be told, in spite of me being nonbinary, that does not stop me from facing the fact that I live in an extremely gendered society nearly every day. Once I decided that I was nonbinary, I started feeling disgusted at the thought of wearing a skirt. If I ever tried on a skirt even just for fun, I felt physically nauseous. But I want to like wearing skirts! I used to love them! But my biggest fear regarding my gender is that me presenting as female will stop people from taking my androgyny seriously. An article of clothing that would've been considered masculine 50 years ago is now considered completely unisex, but feminine clothes are still agressively upheld as being exclusively "for women". So it's very hard for me to look unisex when wearing female clothes.
Truth be told, if I didn't live in a gendered society, I'd probably go by all pronouns. But I live in a gendered society, so I'm stuck trying to figure out a compromise. Many people think at first glance that I am a trans woman, and transphobes will use this opportunity to call me a he. But if I'm being honest, he/him pronouns don't bother me one bit! I find it kind of charming, even. So are my pronouns just anything but she? No. That can't be right. That would make me masculine leaning, and although I support he/him lesbians, I can't be one myself! So what the hell am I! I don't know!!!!!
I don't know if I'll ever find a set of pronouns and a performance of gender that feels right to me. Maybe I just need to aggressively affirm my androgyny until people stop calling me a she, but I hate correcting people. It makes me feel like a sensitive blue haired liberal snowflake. I don't want to become a stereotype. So what, am I just supposed to be complicit in my own suffering? I guess so. I've been complicit before. But then the bigoted facist dictorship rapidly taking over my country will face 0.0001% less backlash and resistance.
I don't know. I was going to try and think of a good motivating conclusion for this, but I'm lost. I want to be completely invincible to binary gender so bad. God save me.